你长得真好看，尤其是那眼睛，不多不少正好两个。
You look really good, especially the eyes, no more, no less, just two.
妻子：“每次我唱歌的时候，你为什么总要到阳台上去？”丈夫：“我是想让大家都知道，不是我在打你。”
Wife: "every time I sing, why do you always go to the balcony?" Husband: "I want everyone to know that I"m not beating you."
冬天的你，白白胖胖，充满希望；夏天的你，黑黑壮壮，脱单无望。
In winter, you are fat and full of hope; Summer you, black and strong, off single hopeless.
千万不能胖，不然以后穷得去讨饭，都没人信你是乞丐。
Don"t be fat, or if you are poor, no one will believe that you are a beggar.
朋友都劝我嫁个有钱人，我只想说：“别劝我呀，劝有钱人。”
Friends advise me to marry a rich man, I just want to say: "don"t advise me, advise the rich."
运动使人快乐的原理是：只有经历了运动，才知道停下来有多快乐。
The principle that sports make people happy is: only after experiencing sports can we know how happy it is to stop.
我们做彼此的天使吧，我做天，你做…
Let"s be each other"s angels, I"ll be God, you"ll be
发呆这事儿，如果做得好就叫深沉。如果做得不好，那就很有可能睡着了。
If you do it well, it"s called deep. If you don"t do it well, you are likely to fall asleep.
有个女孩子变胖了，但是她很善良，请问她现在能点外卖吗？
A girl is getting fat, but she is very kind. Can she order take out now?
你想打折吗？报上我的名字，保证打得你粉碎性骨折！
Do you want a discount? Give me my name, I promise you a comminuted fracture!
非诚勿扰女嘉宾再牛也就灭一个男的的灯，宿舍楼下阿姨能灭一整楼的。
If you are the one, you can turn off a man"s lamp, and the aunt downstairs can turn off the whole floor.
女孩子要稍微做点坏事，然后老天爷一生气，就跟你发个精神小伙。
Girls have to do a little bit of bad things, and then when God is angry, he will send you a spirit boy.
想找人崇拜的时候，我会去照镜子。
When I want to be worshipped, I look in the mirror.
给我一张你的靓照呗，回家辟邪用。
Give me a beautiful picture of you, go home to ward off evil spirits.
图源网，侵联删
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